Talking Hydrant by Robin Rowe
“I’m Champion Elliott Tucker of River Rock and I am a bloodhound”. When I go to dog shows they use all those names, the rest of the time they just call me Elliott. I want to tell you about a dog show I went to in New York City. It was a very strange couple of days. The day started off with being awakened long before I was ready to get up. “Let me sleep“! I said and once again closed my eyes. But moments later, I was awakened again. It was the start of my trip to New York City; I just didn’t know it yet…
The past few days had been worrisome. First I wasn’t allowed to go outside without a leash, and then they shoveled into a crate for a long car drive. When we stopped at a parking lot full of cars I was thrilled. “We’re going to another dog show,” I thought. Dog shows are great. I get to see my friends River and Whoopie, smell lots of other dogs, and dance around a ring for a few minutes. If I get a ribbon, my mistress buys me a hamburger. Usually the burgers are really good, --but no onions please, (they give me gas). But, this time it wasn’t a dog show parking lot, it was an “airport” parking lot.
At the airport they made me stay in my crate. There were all these tantalizing odors I wanted to check out. I tried whining but my mistress refused to let me out. She said, “It’s time to go” and told the man who took me that, “We’re going to New York” to a dog show called “Westminster“. She seemed very excited about it but all I could think of was, “Drat, I’m going to get another bath and another blow dry. I really hate those blow dryers They make so much racket you can’t concentrate on a good smell --like feet. I’m particularly fond of the smell of feet and shoe leather feels so good to my teeth. I only chew left shoes, I save the right shoe for my mistress to smell and chew on herself but he always gets mad when I chew on shoes. I don’t know what the problem is, I shared. What does she want, both shoes? But I digress....
It seemed I had just gotten comfortable in that hotel room when I heard the sound that causes me instantaneous panic. A Kleenex was being pulled out of the box which meant an ear cleaning was imminent. My mistress gave my ears a once-over looking for dirt. I don’t know where she thought I would get dirt. There wasn’t any dirt in this concrete jungle called New York City. Even though New York City was low on dirt, it did have a few trees and quite a few fire hydrants to mark my turf. Fire hydrants are almost as good as trees when you’ve really got to go and I really had to go. It was serious, if she didn’t get me outside soon there was going to be an “accident”. Just when I was ready to burst my bladder she put on my leash for a trip outside.
Like I said, I really, really, had to go and took off at a run from the elevator dragging my mistress behind me. We darted past the doorman, and flew out the front door. The fire hydrant I had declared mine was in sight. It was still slightly dark outside but something seemed a little different. Instead of one bright yellow fire hydrant there were now two bright yellow hydrants. Where did the second one come from? No time to ponder these matters ‘cause I was barely going to make it. I got to the first fire hydrant in the nick of time and lifted my leg, (I had just learned how to do that), and commenced with the deposit that told everyone this was MY fire hydrant.
The recipient of my deposit was an unusually tall fire hydrant, and it kept making noises but didn‘t move. My mistress talked to it and the hydrant talked back. The hydrant sounded angry. My mistress called the hydrant a fireman and I heard laughter from the men in the fire truck parked a few feet away. But the hydrant, or fireman, continued to speak, but didn’t budge an inch. My mistress tried jerking me away, but I wasn‘t done yet. When I finished she was still talking to the hydrant/fireman and trying to give it a useless pooper scooper bag. Then I noticed the tire on the fire truck. It didn‘t smell like any other dog had claimed it. So, I once again showed off my leg-lift technique gave the tire the little bit of liquid I had left. Everyone was laughing except my mistress and the fire hydrant, or fireman, as she called it.
After that, we took a “taxi” to the dog show. I danced around the ring as usual. I didn’t get a ribbon, but I got a hamburger anyway. We went back home the next day and I was so glad to be there. I was so exhausted from all the travel, baths, and ear cleanings I didn’t bother to chase the cat for two whole days.
I don’t have to worry about going back to New York City anymore. My mistress said we can’t go back because of a fire at the building we stayed in. A couple months after we left there was a fire and the building burned to the ground. She said it was my fault because I piddled on the fire hydrant/fireman and New Yorkers aren’t prone to forgive and forget. I’m not sure what forgive means, but I don’t forget either. The mistress may think I forgot about those new blue shoes in the closet, but I didn’t, and the left one is calling my name.